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Celtic Jewelry
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Irish, British and American Humour
(Mostly Inadvertent!)
With thanks to G, A, N and R.



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FOOTBALL (SOCCER) QUOTES

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"England have not won a game for three months. The fact that we have not played one is irrelevant, Graham Taylor should hang, and so should his successor" Radio 5, 1993

"The symbol of peace, the pigeon!" RTE's Jimmy Magee at the 1982 World Cup finals opening ceremony.

"I've told the players we need to win so that I can have the cash to buy some new ones" Chris Turner, Peterborough manager, before League Cup Quarter Final, 1992.

"If we played like that every week we wouldn't be so inconsistent" Bryan Robson, Man Utd, 1990

"I was saying the other day, how often the most vulnerable area for goalies is between their legs" Andy Gray, Sky Sports

Richard Keys: Well Roy, do you think that you'll have to finish above Manchester United to win the league? Roy Evans: You have to finish above everyone to win the league, Richard

"If you can't stand the heat in the dressing-room, get out of the kitchen" Terry Venables, Capital Gold

"It's now 1-1, an exact reversal of the score on Saturday" Radio 5 Live

"Football today, it's like a game of chess. It's all about money" Newcastle United Fan, Radio 5 Live

"I'm not a believer in luck, but I do believe you need it" Alan Ball

"Merseyside derbies usually last 90 minutes and I'm sure today's won't be any different" Trevor Brooking

"Dumbarton player Steve McCahill has limped off with a badly cut forehead" Tom Ferrie

"And I honestly believe we can go all the way to Wembley unless somebody knocks us out" Dave Bassett

"And Arsenal now have plenty of time to dictate the last few seconds" Peter Jones

"What makes this game so delightful is that when both teams get the ball they are attacking their opponents goal" Jimmy Hill

"Newcastle, of course, unbeaten in their last five wins" Brian Moore

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer" David Acfield

"What I said to them at half time would be unprintable on the radio" Gerry Francis

"If there weren't such a thing as football, we'd all be frustrated footballers" Mick Lyons

"The crowd think that Todd handled the ball, they must have seen something that nobody else did" Barry Davies (1975)

Jimmy Hill: Don't sit on the fence Terry, what chance do you think Germany has got of getting through? Terry Venables: I think it's fifty - fifty

"If I walked on water, my accusers would say it is because I can't swim" Berti Vogts, German coach

"You don't have to have been a horse to be a jockey" Arrigo Sacchi, Italy coach, defending a meagre playing record.

"Love is good for footballers, as long as it is not at half-time" Richard Moller Nielsen, Denmark coach

"I was about to say, before something far more interesting interrupted" John Motson, France v Bulgaria

"The score is Sunderland nil, Leicester nil, the temperature is nil (32 degrees) and the entertainment value is nil" Sunderland v Leicester, Radio 5 Live

"This is an unusual Scotland side because they have good players" Praise for the Under-21s from Javier Clemente, Spain's coach.

"There are some great defenders here, I just don't know their names" David Ginola of Newcastle and France

"It took a lot of bottle for Tony to own up" Ian Wright on the Arsenal captain's confession to alcoholism.

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel" Stuart Pearce (1992)

Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is someone like Norman Einstein.
Bill Shankly - Ex. Liverpool manager.

You lads line up alphabetically by height.
Archie Knox - Ex. Rangers assistant manager.

I can't really remember the name of the clubs we went to.
Duncan Ferguson - Everton striker reply to a inquiry about whether he had visited the Parthenon during a club trip to Greece.

He's a lad who gets up at 6 o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.
Mo Boreham - Ex. youth coach at Sheffield U. on a players training regime.

We can't win at home, we can't win away. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play.
Jock Brown - Celtic General Manager.

"He's one of those footballers whose brains are in his head" Derek Johnstone - BBC TV Scotland (1994)



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THE EXPERTS SPEAK

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"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." - Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." - Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"I have travelled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." - The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

"But what is it good for?" - Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." - Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." - Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" - David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." - A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" - H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." - Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With the Wind."

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." - Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." - Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this." - Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.

"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'" - Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.

"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training." - Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus.

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." - Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." - Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

"Everything that can be invented has been invented." - Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981



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EXCERPTS FROM ACTUAL LETTERS SENT TO LANDLORDS.

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1. "The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared."

2. "I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off."

3. "This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door."

4. "I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall."

5. "I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."

6. "Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces."

7. "Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant."

8. "Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink."

9. "Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old page pensioner and need it straight away."



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SOME COURT TRANSCRIPTS,
RECORDED BY THE KEEPERS OF THE WORD IN VARIOUS PARTS OF THE WORLD.

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LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
WITNESS: No.

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LAWYER: So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
LAWYER: It was covered?
WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged.
LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see?
WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
-----------------------------------------------------------

CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."
WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God."
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: That's right.
CLERK: Repeat it.
WITNESS: "Repeat it".
CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.
WITNESS: What you said when?
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give."
CLERK: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know.
CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and."
CLERK: Say: "Nothing...".
WITNESS: Okay.
(Witness remains silent.)
CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Well? Do so.
WITNESS: You're confusing me.
CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".
WITNESS: Is that all?
CLERK: Yes.
WITNESS: Okay. I understand.
CLERK: Then say it.
WITNESS: What?
CLERK: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: But I do! That's just it.
CLERK: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But", "The", "Truth".
WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?
CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
WITNESS: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."
CLERK: Thank you.
WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.



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GETTING YOUR SIGNS MIXED UP

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Sign in a Laundromat AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

Outside a farm: HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG 20p DO-IT-YOURSELF

On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)

Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.

Seen at the side of a Sussex road: SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS. Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME

Sign warning of quicksand: QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.

Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish: DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER

Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW





If you have any enquiries, complaints or suggestions please e-mail me at earrings@tinet.ie